How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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