If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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