Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
