And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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