I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
