I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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