Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
