The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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