I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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