i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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