someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
