I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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