For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
