he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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