I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
not ubering you a puppy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
