glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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