How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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