I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
