Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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