I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
