I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Someone signed my nipple.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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