look no pants
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
