I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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