so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
