Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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