If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
