Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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