My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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