Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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