I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
