Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
