Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
