I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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