True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
