if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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