took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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