I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Green mimosas i think yes
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
