Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"