i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
