there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my poor anus
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
