apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
