If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
