He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
