Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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