The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
