farters have to be the big spoon...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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