i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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