I'm going to jail i love you
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
