You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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