i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
