So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
