did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
