Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
