Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
