Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
