I've blown a few things in my day
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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