She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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