she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
