apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
