My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
