Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
