Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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